Surrahhh

arsenictear @ 2009-12-11T23:57:00

2009-12-12T07:57:18Z

getting ready to move out and can't really remember a time when i was this excited. always ready for a new start. a little confused on a lot of other things. one little wrong move could mess up something big for me, but not sure which road will get me there. guess i'll find out.

arsenictear @ 2009-11-23T14:15:00

2009-11-23T22:15:05Z

what was i thinking

arsenictear @ 2009-11-14T13:29:00

2009-11-14T21:29:43Z

trying to move out and crossing my fingers that it all works out. i don't think i have really ever been that excited for anything. aside from crossing my fingers on a place to live, also hoping that i really get to see you thanksgiving weekend.

arsenictear @ 2009-10-28T20:45:00

2009-10-29T03:46:50Z

"what a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real"

anyways,
im about to let go of everything because it all turns out the same.

arsenictear @ 2009-10-01T13:46:00

2009-10-01T20:55:17Z

I get tired of you treating me like i'm one of your scripts. You spend time writing me out untill you get bored and push me aside untill i seem like a good idea again. You never finish anything, but at the same time i am allowing you to write all of these pages so im not really sure which one of us is being unfair.

arsenictear @ 2009-09-15T18:48:00

2009-09-16T01:49:18Z

so weird to me that i graduated college and now have a degree. not really sure what to do next.

arsenictear @ 2009-09-04T23:12:00

2009-09-05T06:14:10Z

I really need something great to come my way here soon before I lose all hope. Something that will take my mind somewhere else and make me feel like everything is going to be ok. If that even exists anymore.

arsenictear @ 2009-08-30T17:59:00

2009-08-31T01:02:47Z

I really hope I feel o.k. again someday. I find myself crying over Mitch and the only thing I want to do is talk to my dad so he can make me feel better about it, but it's just a never ending cycle. I can't think about this without feeling angry because nothing makes any sense to me. I just want something, anything, to make a little bit of sense for once.

arsenictear @ 2009-08-28T18:08:00

2009-08-29T01:15:21Z

I don't want to feel scared when I look at your picture. The bad things are all I can remember and for some reason it just seems unfair to talk about all of the good. I keep forgetting that any of this happened and i find myself wondering why and how any of it did. Some things really aren't fair. I would have taken care of you for the rest of our lives. I feel like im sleeping with my eyes open and everytime i blink i realize that none of this is a dream and knowing that i am never going to wake up from this nightmare makes me want to scream.

arsenictear @ 2009-08-23T13:55:00

2009-08-23T20:58:19Z

Today I learned:

I don't need everyone to love me. If anything else, not everyong WILL love me and thats alright. I am me and you are you and there is no reason why we should be ashamed of that. People influence my thinking too much. Time is going to continue moving forward and although that scares me, I guess I wouldn't really want time to be going anywhere else.

arsenictear @ 2009-08-23T12:12:00

2009-08-23T19:16:19Z

It's been nice going to more shows. Sort of makes me feel at home and appreciate music more. Seeing Conor Oberst for the first time was absolutely amazing. I haven't really ever seen someone play with so much passion. Although it took us 6 cabs, broken legs and drunk guys stealing my hat, it was still a wonderful night and im looking forward to more just like this one.

arsenictear @ 2009-08-13T01:31:00

2009-08-13T08:32:02Z

The most frustrating thing for me right now is not being able to understand any of this. The last 10 months I mean. I can’t remember any of it.

Early October:

I didn’t really listen, you know, because we sort of tend to block out all of the things we don’t want to feel real. I mean, how do we really distinguish what feels real and what doesn’t, anyways? So that’s what I did, I blocked it out like time was going to keep moving forward.

I stopped journaling; journeying, concentrating and commemorating. I even forgot how old I was. I remember telling someone I was 18, truth is I have been 19 and 20 for the past 2 years and now I’m starting to think I had forgotten more than just the last 10 months. I was deteriorating, ashing out more everyday, until one day the flame just burnt out. I was put out faster than an un-lit cigarette and that’s when I realized I was becoming completely insane.

arsenictear @ 2009-08-04T22:44:00

2009-08-05T05:45:16Z

when you lose someone you love, you really feel stupid for anything else that has ever made you feel like you wanted to die.

arsenictear @ 2009-07-31T18:11:00

2009-08-01T01:14:08Z

Hey you,

I remember nights with you like they were my favorite food. I ate it so fast and it tasted so good that I hardly even remember eating it. I was reminiscing through my journal and realized that within that time I couldn’t even write. That’s how happy I was. Between the script filled with fortunes and empty pages, was you.

my ‘little effortless thing’.

I couldn’t wait to get back to Oregon. After all this time of trying to run away, there I was again trying to run back. You weren’t anything but something, and it made you my everything. I had been around the same things for so long now that the excitement in them had just sort of disappeared. I hoped it was not that way with you, but here I am again. It’s like I can’t feel anything good, and before I start to figure out how, is when it was already gone.

Good morning my handsome,

There were moments when I would recollect myself and find my car driving off the road. Nothing mattered though, not even tomorrow, I didn’t have to worry about a thing. There was so much air in my lungs that I didn’t even have to stop and think, breathe. I felt it and I held it there for as long as I could, but my hands started to blister and I couldn’t hold it any longer. I know nothing about you, but I loved you for exactly what you were, whatever that may be, because I have no clue. I just wished you had wanted me around for more than the few hours we spent taking each others clothes off. I wanted it to be something or nothing but was terrified of them both. What’s your name again?

It was unbelievable how much time I counted; months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, repeat. I was becoming disgusted that I would let this all turn to shit again. I keep saying that; again I mean. There I go again.

Time was stopping because I wanted to see you and then it would stop again when you were around. I didn’t want to focus on how much time I had left; I just wanted time to have. Goodnight earth. And then I thanked it for everything because it was exactly where I wanted it to be. I don’t know if I have ever been able to say that. I wanted to feel better and I wanted to forget about everything. I wanted to forget about time, especially time. Time and everything in between.

I find myself looking at the stars every now and again. It wasn’t how I wanted things to begin or end, but now that I think about it, I guess it was better this way. I stayed awake for you but now that I’m asleep again I find myself wishing you would come lay in bed.

P.S. If I was brave, I would just want to let you know that I think you’re great.

arsenictear @ 2009-07-17T01:00:00

2009-07-17T08:03:13Z

the scariest thing for me then, was realizing that someday it would feel real and now it's starting to. it scares me to death. the only thing i can think about lately is how he isn't coming back. this whole process has sort of taken a toll on me. i have felt every feeling the human body could possibly feel. scared and then nothing and here i am scared again. i don't know how to do or become anything without my dad. i need him here.

arsenictear @ 2009-06-03T12:57:00

2009-06-03T20:01:35Z

saying goodbye without following has never felt so good.
goodbye!
goodbye!
goodbye!
for the first time in my life.

i miss my dad more than i have ever missed anyone or anything for that matter. can't stop dreaming, breathing, thinking, writing, screaming, crying, wishing that you were still here. hoping, praying, dancing, rolling around in bed because we've got nothing better.

come home and stay put.
pleassssse

arsenictear @ 2009-05-15T12:17:00

2009-05-15T19:18:18Z

It's all such bad timing and I wish that I could make it go away.

arsenictear @ 2009-05-08T15:26:00

2009-05-08T22:26:38Z

i don't think i can do this anymore.

arsenictear @ 2009-05-03T23:17:00

2009-05-04T06:20:37Z

Many of you know my dad as a friend, a brother, a son and even a husband, but only three of us were blessed with knowing him as a father. It doesnt matter what we knew him as though because we all remember him as one thing, and that is a teacher. He taught me everything i know. He taught me how to live life, how to love it and most importantly how to never forget it. I could ask him any question in the entire world and he would always have an answer. He taught me so much more by not teaching me at all and he never gave me what he knew i could find on my own.

My dad and I had our troubles growing up just like any ordinary family. Sometimes when you are so much like someone its sort of inevitable for you to not butt heads. We talked a lot, mostly about life. Exchanging e-mails and quotes was a constant. I specifically remember one moment that I keep playing over and over in my head. It was my sophmore year in high school and I was sitting by my bed side crying over a boy. My dad told me at least once a week to tell my boyfriends to watch out for 'dad', sometimes he would even tell me that he felt sorry for the guy that were making their way into my life, but when he came in my room that day, he didn't say that this time. Infact, he didn't even say anything, he just hugged me for a few moments that felt like a lifetime and It was somehow the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

I love him more than anything i will ever be able to physically or emotionally express. When you love someone that much you just sort of start to realize that there really isn't anything else in the world you could possibly hope for. I've worked so hard to control all the impulses that he let slide. He showed me how to relax, how to get up on this stage and cry to hundreds of people, and he showed me how to avoid becoming anything other than myself. He taught me how to fly.

The hardest thing any of us will ever have to do is let someone we love go. But we have all done it. Ive had a really hard time ever since I found out my dad was sick. I have felt every kind of feeling the human body could possibly feel, including nothing. Sometimes I even felt all those feelings at the same time. Most of the time I just feel like im dreaming. The world is slowly turning upside down, but the last 30 minutes with my dad were spent praying that god would send me a miracle, but if i learned anything within the past 72 hours, it's that he already had. My dad.

I was talking to my cousin lisa the other day and she said " You know they say everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I just don't understand what the reason is" and I thought to myself for a second and realized that although shes right, there is no reason why we should be afraid of change. Change isnt good or bad it just 'is'. "and i know it hurts, but thats life. If nothing else, its life. It's real and sometimes it hurts, but its sort of all we have."

My dad was all about making everyone else happy so I want to leave you with one of the smartest things he has ever writen me...

Sarah- Everything will be alright. Its a test in time we all go thru and I have been tested by the best . You will come out on top and you need to focus on your dreams because sometimes thats all we have . You have lots of love for you at home and will always have it where ever you go . If life gives you lemon's , then make lemonade and learn from it . What is it you really want ? You say to be happy , well -"BE HAPPY" ! To be loved , "THEN LOVE" .Trust in GOD and follow his teachings and you will not go wrong . When you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to talk to , you need to call me any time . I am not that mean , nor am I insensitive to your feelings . Do you think that you are the only one that finds life difficult and hard to understand .? Well - everyone finds life to be weird and not going the way they have invisioned , but we learn and adjust and move ahead and take what knowledge we have to the next level . Life was never meant to be easy , because if it was , everyone of us would be a carbon copy of each other and there would not be any creativity , but just sheep following the next one ahead in a line doing the same thing day after day . You are doing a great job , just by doing what you are doing . A lot of people never have a chance to chase there dreams, They start out in life at the bottom and never climb out .You are already on the ladder and nearing the top rung.

You are a "GEM" and are precious to me. You can come home any time you fill if it becomes to hard to live there. Just hang in there and / or come home. LOVE you TONS!!!! DAD ( CALL ME )

So in the words of my brand imaging teacher, "Love the people in your life, eat lots of food, treat yourself to something new and then do the same thing for someone who can't afford it."

arsenictear @ 2009-04-30T13:47:00

2009-04-30T21:49:35Z

My dads funeral is this Saturday and I feel weird saying that Im excited for it.
It's going to be huge and i have a feeling it's just going to feel liberating.

I miss him so much already. Everything feels un-real. The last 20 years have
sort of slipped into a dream.

I am going to be speaking on Saturday infront of hundreds of people and im nervous,
but i'll do it anyways.

Love you and miss you dadio.

arsenictear @ 2009-04-20T15:57:00

2009-04-20T22:58:46Z

I don't know what to think of anything. Wish I could feel alive again. I can hardly remember the last 20 years of my life. I am just hoping and praying for a miracle. Can't say goodbye.

arsenictear @ 2009-04-05T01:16:00

2009-04-05T08:16:37Z

Oregon is great to me but after a short while it just seems to be the heaviest thing i have to carry. Seeing old friends is wonderful but every once in a while i just want to fly away and hang out with a couple strangers who don't know anything about me. I have changed so much this past year it's unbelievable. The past couple hundred hours have started to make me feel insane. I miss Mitch and everynight when I lay in bed by myself and look out my window at a house I know he is no longer in makes me feel nervous and the lonliest i have ever felt. I can't get him out of my dreams or my mind. I saw him the other night and I know it was him. I was the only one who could see him and he was just chuckling because everyone was looking at me like I way crazy talking to myself. It was just a normal conversation just like the ones we would have always had. I told him how much I love him and he told me how he knows now because of my mom. For some reason the dreams started off with me not wanting to say goodbye. I had become really clingy and it sort of reminded me of how disgusting i can be. But now the dreams i have with him are just of him coming to say hello. I don't know what to think of any of this. Losing someone so close for the first time has made me realize that death is the biggest mystery i have ever come across. After one of the longest months of my entire life i am still in denial and refuse to believe that all of this is actually happening. I am not much of anything without you and more importantly i am nothing without me. So what happens now?

arsenictear @ 2009-03-12T06:54:00

2009-03-12T13:56:10Z

Seems un-real that there is only one more week of this quarter and that I am only one more away from graduating. I have no idea what I am going to do but thats o.k. Excited to come back to Oregon in a week to stay for three. I hope I can lift everyones spirits.

arsenictear @ 2009-03-02T12:23:00

2009-03-02T20:25:40Z

this cant be happening. you were the closest thing to family i had. i want you to know that i never gave up on you and that i saw so much potential in you to turn your life around. i love and miss you and if i could tell you anything it would be thank you. I will never forget you. R.I.P.

arsenictear @ 2009-02-04T21:47:00

2009-02-05T05:58:41Z

-The 5 people you spend the most time with are who you will become. Im going to start surrounding myself
around people who want to DO SOMETHING. Because we all should be. There is no reason why we can't.

-I will own my own business in the next 5 years even if that means I lose more money than earn.

-Influence dont get influenced.